Understanding Gaslighting and How to Respond

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where someone distorts another person's sense of reality. The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity. The manipulator makes their target question their memories, perceptions, and even their mental stability, gaining power and control in the relationship.

While lying involves deception, gaslighting goes further by making the victim doubt their own mind. Over time, this can lead to confusion, anxiety, and eroded self-worth.

Gaslighting in Different Settings

In Romantic Relationships

Maria notices her partner John denying promises he made, suggesting she's "too forgetful" or "stressed." When she questions him about a suspicious message, he blames her drinking and calls her paranoid. Maria begins doubting her own judgment and becomes anxious about confronting him.

In Friendships

Marissa feels her friend Allison dismisses her achievements. When she brings it up, Allison denies it and calls her "overly sensitive," even blaming Marissa's perceptions on having "too much to drink" at a party. Marissa starts feeling isolated and questions her expectations.

At Work

Nathan's manager presents Nathan's idea as his own. When confronted, the manager denies it and implies Nathan's memory is unreliable due to having "a drink at lunch." Nathan loses confidence and stops sharing ideas, while the manager continues exploiting subordinates.

What Is Alcoholic Gaslighting?

Alcoholic gaslighting occurs when alcohol is used to enhance manipulation. The gaslighter might claim the victim was "too drunk" to remember correctly or use alcohol to lower the victim's defenses. Alcohol's effects—like hazy memories—make it easier for gaslighters to insert false narratives.

Key dynamics include:

• Blurring Reality: Alcohol impairs memory, allowing gaslighters to exploit gaps.
• Excusing Behavior: Gaslighters blame alcohol for their actions to avoid responsibility.
• Blaming the Victim: They may claim the victim's behavior "made them drink."
• Reinforcing Dependence: Victims might turn to alcohol to cope, increasing vulnerability.

How to Recognize Gaslighting

Look for these signs:

• Constantly doubting your memory or feelings
• Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells"
• The other person "forgets" key events or conversations
• Your emotions are dismissed as "overreacting"
• Truths are twisted to make you the problem
• False "evidence" is used to support their claims

Strategies to Deal With Gaslighting

Build Self-Awareness and Trust

Trust your own perceptions. Keep a journal to document incidents, which can reveal patterns and provide clarity.

Reality-Checking

Discuss events with trusted friends or colleagues to verify your memories. This helps rebuild confidence in your judgment.

Self-Care and Boundaries

Prioritize activities that support your mental well-being, like meditation, exercise, or hobbies. Set clear boundaries, especially around alcohol use if it's part of the dynamic.

Seek Support

Talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional. Support groups can also provide validation and shared coping strategies.

When Alcohol Is Involved

If alcohol complicates gaslighting:

• Set boundaries around drinking.
• Seek help for alcohol misuse if needed—consider therapy, support groups, or tools like Quitemate.
• If the gaslighter has an alcohol problem, encourage them to get help, but prioritize your own safety.

Key Takeaways

Gaslighting, especially with alcohol, can severely impact mental health. Recognizing the signs, trusting yourself, and seeking support are crucial steps toward recovery. Remember, your experiences and feelings are valid, and help is available to navigate these challenges.